We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. We all have the potential to be amazing. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. I am gentler with myself. I am more reluctant to judge others. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter.
More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. Don't let it get you down. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? What a waste of energy. Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. You've almost made it through! So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. Girl, you don't need a parade. This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. You may agree -- you may disagree. Also on The Huffington Post:
Protect your marriage at all costs. Over and over and over again. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. But then puberty happened. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " This is simply what I have learned from my experience. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. We've had many, many wonderful times together.
I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. To be fair, things started out great. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family.
You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it. We are all messed up, but you know what? "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " You are not their mother. And in the end, that's what matters. You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child.
If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. Silence is the best policy. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. I still believe I'm here for a reason. "You guys are doing great!
Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. Embrace it, and make the most of it. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. Remember what I said earlier? You are going to make a lot of mistakes. How did I not know this? I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. Divorce is one of the most devastating things a person will ever go through, and no one needs to hear from you how the ex-wife is handling it, or how her kids are acting out in the aftermath. We are all imperfect. You're keeping it together. You can't fix what you didn't break.
And I had two small children of my own. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. It will teach them to do the same some day. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up.
Which brings us to number three. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. I really, really, really needed to hear that. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault.
Remember number one? And who wants to write about that? YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common. So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with.
Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids.
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